


Losing to a Dream

by taeminki



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 08:16:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11436831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeminki/pseuds/taeminki
Summary: Yuta and Taeyong shared the same dream.





	Losing to a Dream

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote one of **those**

"Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? I just really, really need some adv-- oh, sorry, you're writing-- nevermind-- I'll leave--"

"Yuta. Yuta! Come back here. Sit down. What's wrong?"

Yuta swallowed his rush of words and rush of _rushing_  to walk into Taeyong's room, pause, shut the door, pause, decide against locking it, and walk to him, sit on the bed in front of him. Taeyong had just moved onto the bed himself, abandoning the notebook he was writing in to give his full attention and devotion to Yuta. It was the first time Yuta had come to him for a problem since he became the leader for their unit of NCT, 127. He'd been wondering why that was. Perhaps Yuta just hadn't had a problem until now.

"This is going to sound really bad, but--" Yuta turned his fingers in his palm. He wasn't looking at Taeyong. "Look. I'm not the type of person to hold back-- you know I just say things straight out, but this one is kind of hard, so-- bear with me?"

Taeyong nodded, but Yuta wasn't looking at him-- but then he was because he glanced up and Taeyong was still nodding, and Taeyong caught a glimpse of his little smile before Yuta had hung his head again. Some silence, another turn of his fingers, and then he placed his palms against his knees and sat up and breathed out and clearly tried and tried to work up the courage to say what he needed to say. It took him a minute, and then two, and then, "I think I'm gay, Taeyong."

Taeyong started nodding right away, because he couldn't think of any other reaction and he didn't want to hesitate because that would make him look really, really bad and make Yuta feel really, really bad. His initial, internal reaction was a mix of shock and confusion that took over his mind and short-circuited any words or actions apart from _nod_ , because that was the last thing his body had done. He started to wonder a million things at once-- _why would that be bad?_  and _since when?_  and _why is he telling me?_  and _has he told anyone else?_ and then he stopped asking himself the questions because he clearly couldn't answer them, but he didn't want to open his mouth and asked Yuta, either. So, collecting his thoughts, he first told Yuta "Okay. That's okay," and hoped that was the right thing to say.

"But it's not." Yuta said. Taeyong frowned-- _why not?_  and Yuta answered right away, "Because I-I only _think_  I am because I'm really attracted to... well, to someone in the group-- and that's not a good thing, because our contract says and-- our company wouldn't-- our manager-- I could get kicked out if I act on my feelings and it's so tempting."

"Who is it?" Taeyong asked, a bad question for the time being. He shouldn't be asking that-- but what else was he to say? Everything else was bad news, because everything Yuta said was true. No, he couldn't date any of the members because their contract forebode dating for a while and _gay_  looked bad in the public eye and to a lot of the older men working in the company, like Lee Sooman himself. Yuta could get kicked out of the band, but he was also young and he acted on impulse and yeah, this was all a huge problem.

But not because Yuta was gay.

"That's not important." Yuta said. Taeyong frowned, "Yes, it is," and Yuta asked, "Why? Please-- don't keep me from him. I-- he's my best friend and I--" Yuta sighed. He looked at Taeyong's eyes. If Taeyong had one more second, he might have been able to read Yuta, but Yuta turned away too quick and fell defeated too quick and covered his eyes with his palms and cried a little bit-- "I'm sorry. You have a lot to deal with-- I shouldn't have--"

Taeyong was shocked and short-circuited again because seeing Yuta cry was probably the rarest thing Taeyong had ever come across. His first idea was _comfort_ , so he moved to sit next to Yuta and held him. Yuta let him for a moment, and then he brushed Taeyong off and said "Please don't," and that was odd because the last time Yuta cried, four years ago, he let Taeyong hold him for hours. What changed? (Yuta grew up, that's what changed.)

"This isn't all bad, Yuta. It-- it sucks, it really does, because you're right. You can't date this member and you have to work with him a lot." Taeyong rubbed his shoulder, a touch that wasn't brushed away after a few short seconds-- instead, a few long seconds. Yuta shrugged him off after Taeyong stated, "But... I don't know. It'll be okay.

"Who-- well. What exactly do you feel for this person-- and how long have you had these feelings?"

"Um." Yuta's sleeves dried his face, and nothing more fell to wet it. He looked at Taeyong, his eyes a little red and his voice a little weak, "Well. He's, uh, like... the love of my life? It sounds so _stupid_ \--" Yuta fisted his eyes, frustrated, "But it's true. And, uh, well-- it's been... years? Two? Three?"

 _Three years_ \-- "Why are you just now telling me?"

"Because it hurts." Yuta said. He rubbed his thighs, and he had stopped looking at Taeyong again, "It's starting to really hurt, loving this person, and I was thinking... I don't know. Maybe you could help me? Maybe I could at least... confess, a little? Maybe I could... I don't know-- _do something_.

"Maybe I should just continue to love this person by myself. Maybe I should just take care of him. Maybe that's the best thing."

"Maybe it is." Taeyong agreed silently. Yuta looked at him-- a long, lasting look, and then he leaned forward, and hugged Taeyong, and it lasted long, like the look, and at the end Yuta said "Thank you, Taeyong," in a soft voice; and then he was up, and he was rubbing his eyes again, though no more tears had formed or fallen, and he was out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

 

 

Taeyong couldn't help but watch Yuta in the days and weeks and months that followed, wondering about the man Yuta loved. Yuta said he would take care of this man, because that was all he could do. Could it have been Sicheng? Yuta always doted on Sicheng; he was the only person Yuta had ever gone soft for, had ever let his manly image down for. Taeyong watched their interactions-- watched as Yuta held Sicheng and kissed his ear, as Sicheng half-ignored him and continued to type on his phone. Taeyong felt bitter at the thought of Sicheng ignoring Yuta, but Taeyong knew Sicheng all the same, knew he wasn't one for outward affection. He was awkward; he didn't particularly love or hate the touches. He was neutral, but he loved his members. They all knew it.

So, maybe it was Sicheng, but maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was Taeil, who Yuta had started to prod at-- randomly playing with his collar or buttoning up his jacket for him. Taeil seemed confused at the sudden affection, but he accepted it all the same, and he started to be affectionate toward Yuta, too-- fixing and playing with his hair, pinching a particular spot on Yuta's jaw, gently brushing his cheek for a brief moment anytime he got close. The small interactions became Taeil-And-Yuta things-- things that the fans noticed, that the members noticed, that Taeyong noticed. And Taeyong felt bitter again.

So, the secret's peeking out. Taeyong was in love with Yuta-- and there, it's out.

Taeyong wouldn't necessarily say _in love_ , but his feelings were strong. He admired Yuta; he did love the man. Was he _in love?_  Maybe. Did he long for Yuta? Yeah, a little bit. Did he want to be around Yuta all the time? Absolutely, and he was. He tried to be.

After a while-- two months, maybe three, Taeyong stopped watching. Yuta had gotten significantly closer to everyone... except for him. Everyone had noticed Yuta's added affection-- in the dorms, because he kept his image on camera (still, except for with Sicheng). Nothing had changed with Taeyong; he would have noticed. Did Yuta do that on purpose-- get closer to everyone so that Taeyong wouldn't notice one particular change? Yuta knew Taeyong; he must have known that Taeyong would watch him, wonder about which member he loved. There were only nine of them-- seven excluding Taeyong and Yuta. Who could it be? Surely not Donghyuck or Minhyung-- it wasn't like Yuta to fall in love with anyone so young. That dwindled the radius down to five members; to Jung Yoonoh, to Dong Sicheng, to Kim Dongyoung, to Seo Youngho, to Moon Taeil--unless he wasn't actually in 127 at all because that meant it could be Ten, or Hansol, or Kun--

and Taeyong was starting to get headaches overthinking it, so he took himself to his room and locked the door, put his headphones in and started to write some lyrics down-- random little spouts of words like _I love you a little too much_ and _I'm confused about how you feel_ and _Sometimes, I think you want to kill me because all you do is suffocate--suffocate me with your confusing feelings_ , and that last lyric would have to be split into two or three but it was how he felt.

Taeyong titled the page **NMY**  ( **N** aka **M** oto **Y** uta). He left the lyrics to think themselves over; he closed his eyes and listened to music for the rest of the night.

\-- _The rest of the night_  ended up being until three in the morning, when a knock sounded at his door and Taeyong pulled his headphones out and went to the door-- quick-- because it sounded urgent and he was afraid someone else might wake at the sound of the door. Yuta was standing at the entrance, tears streaming down his face. Taeyong frowned; he started to ask "What's wrong?" but he didn't get half a syllable out before Yuta was storming into the room, shutting the door, grabbing Taeyong by the collar. Suddenly, Taeyong was against the wall and Yuta's lips were on his-- and everything was so confusing because Taeyong's first thought was _Why didn't he act different with me if he loved me?_  and then he began to wonder if Yuta loved him at all-- if this was just a random move because Yuta couldn't have the object of his affection so he took to Taeyong instead-- Taeyong, who would definitely stay compliant to his kisses because of course Yuta would know Taeyong had feelings for him because Yuta knew him well-- better than Taeyong knew Yuta, obviously, because Taeyong had no clue who Yuta had feelings for.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-- _God dammit_ , I shouldn't have done that." Yuta fisted his hair and cried; he dropped to his knees and softly screamed, the sound blocked by his lips. Taeyong carefully got to his knees, rubbing Yuta's shoulder, "It's okay--" but Yuta knocked him away-- away enough that he landed on his butt-- "It's not okay! You told me-- you told me and _I_ told me that it's not safe to act upon my feelings-- it's not okay-- I'm not _allowed_ \--"

Just like Yuta shouldn't have kissed Taeyong, Taeyong shouldn't have asked, "Is it me that you have feelings for?" because, when Yuta slowly nodded, Taeyong found himself wanting to act on his feelings, too. He tried to distract himself with thoughts like _I should have known Yuta had feelings for me_  and went on to think _How could I have, though? Why do I feel bad about not knowing? Yuta didn't know either. Yuta still doesn't know_ \-- and it obviously didn't help, because Taeyong continued with "I-I have feelings for you, too," and it didn't help either of them for him to admit that. He should have stayed quiet. He shouldn't have asked in the first place. He should have pushed Yuta away as soon as they started to kiss. He was Yuta's leader, and he wasn't doing anything right-- he wasn't leading Yuta _any_  of the right directions.

"You--?" Yuta stopped. He and Taeyong looked at each other, helpless. They were both thinking the same thing, in different ways. Yuta was thinking _I love you, and you love me, but we can't be together_ , and he was laughing about it; Taeyong was thinking _I'm so sorry_ , because all he could think about was how Yuta must feel and how he wished neither of them had to feel the way that they did.

"Of course," Yuta's laughter broke into his voice and his tears; the last of them fell as he spoke, as he got to his feet, "I--" Yuta watched Taeyong get up, too. They stood there for a long time, and Yuta whispered "I think this would have hurt less if you didn't love me, too," and then he was gone, and Taeyong had no mind about him to think _I should go after him_.

Rather, he went to his bed, and he opened up his notebook, and he didn't grab his headphones this time. He added a few more lyrics to **NMY** \-- like _I'm sorry I can't love you_  and _Maybe we should run away together_  and  _I'm responsible for too many dreams to focus on ours_ , and cried over his notebook until the words were blurred.


End file.
